Becoming Rhonda (Four Years After Becoming Mommy)
Rhonda Gail | January 18, 2010
Five years ago, I was living the typical life of a single woman in her mid-twenties. I worked a lot waiting tables, and just as quickly as I could make the money, I spent it. I bought clothes when I wanted, got my hair cut every six weeks, and drank half my tips before I could even leave the restaurant. When I was wasn’t working, I lived a pretty leisurely life. I slept when I wanted, laid by the pool when I wasn’t sleeping, and went out with friends at least once a week. My dating life wasn’t very fulfilling, but at 24, I didn’t expect it to be. I just wanted to have fun and I was definitely doing that.
Everything changed when I met a man we’ll call Jed. I fell for him in a haze of long shifts, late nights, Goldschlager shots, and self-worth issues. Within a few weeks of dating, I found out I was pregnant. It was scary and I didn’t know how to deal. With Jed’s encouragement, I decided it was a blessing and threw myself into changing my life to suit a child. Martinis were replaced by water, I took shorter shifts at work, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open past 11 p.m. In a tight spot financially, Jed and I made the decision to move out of state to live with his parents for awhile. I was reluctant to leave when I was pregnant, because I wanted to be near my mom. However, Jed had a plan, and with our given situation, I was up for it. I won’t get into the details of his plan, nor the details of the events that led to our split.
It turned out that his “plan” was based on a lie, and somewhere along the 9 months of pregnancy, he decided that he didn’t want to be with me. Rather than tell me his feelings had changed, he made some really bad decisions. In the end, we made the mutual decision to part ways. He said he would be there for everything, for all of our son’s life.
The night Nicholas Grant came into this world, I was at peace. I knew God had a plan and a reason for this precious child to enter the world at the a “wrong” time. I didn’t know why, but I now have my theories. That’s a story for another day.
I took Nick home and threw myself into being a Mama. Jed was there for the birth, though only physically. His mind and heart were somewhere else entirely. He conveniently got stranded out of town the day he was to sign the birth certificate. We’ve seen him only once since.
Nick and I became each other’s everything. I went out with my friends occasionally, but after several mornings of having to care for him while nursing a hangover, those times became few and far between. I lost a lot of friends when my life became so different from the lives of my friends. I didn’t feel a loss though, because my baby became my best friend.
Fast forward four years to today. I am with a man whose love knows no bounds. I can’t imagine where I’d be without him. Dustin is Daddy to Nick, Harper, and Jude. To me, he is everything.
Motherhood has made me a better person with my priorities in the right places. I have reignited my relationship with God, set goals for my future, and have become a kinder, gentler, more patient person. With all the steps forward I have taken, I have also taken a few back.
I used to really take care of myself. I ate the right things, exercised, and kept up my appearance. Now, I am lucky if I get my hair dry before leaving the house and I only wear makeup a couple of times a week. I exercise when I get the time. It has been a couple of months! Before I was a parent, I had a lot of friends and I loved to interact. It was a huge part of me. I took a lot of time to myself, reading, sunning, napping, baking, walking. Now, with kids clinging to my pant legs, I read a couple of pages at a time. During the summer, I am in the pool playing games, rather than sipping a cocktail at the side. Napping happens in 20 minute spurts and I bake simple kid-friendly cookies rather than experiment with truffles.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the changes in my life, but somewhere along the way, I lost part of myself. Yes, I lost the bad parts and I don’t want them back. However, I lost my individuality, which I think is really important. We can be better parents if we take time for ourselves and maintain the parts of us that we love.
When I made my 30 Things To Do Before 30 list, I realized that most of the things I want to do serve to reclaim ME…. the woman inside the mom. I am so excited about this journey and I think that I will be a better mom and partner for it. I want to look put-together, with a house that looks the same. I want to enjoy my own company, and use some of my quiet time to connect with God. I want to create and foster friendships. I don’t want to be seen just as Mommy, but also as Rhonda.
[This realization that I have lost myself has led me to create a personal blog. See it here!]
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Rhonda, what a great post. However, many of us who haven’t entered into the non-single life or are without children feel as though we have lost friends as well to the “otherside.” It’s a double-edged sword. I’m excited for your goals before you turn 30 and I wish you the best of luck in all you do.